Who wears a wallet chain?!
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
