everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
