Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
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