Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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