Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
In America we eat man semen.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
