I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
