she was so not down for the gang bang
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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