I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
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I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
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I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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