i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
