Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
