Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
