Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
