i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
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