I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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