I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
