Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
