sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
