if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
As shirtless as possible
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
