Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
