i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
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I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
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I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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