Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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