this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
