let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
