i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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