god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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