Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
