I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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