Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
