I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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