I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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