he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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