just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
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