Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
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you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
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I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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