Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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