She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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