Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
