wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
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