waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I pour the whiskey from now on
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize