I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no. you can't hotbox the world.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
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Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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