Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
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Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
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Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?