glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
