you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
