I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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