you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
