I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
