I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
