4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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