shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
