I smell stomach acid.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
