I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Oh god it's open bar.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
