I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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