I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I think I just sharted jello shots
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
