Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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